Hanging Out

HANGING OUT

I wanted to know what it felt like to hang
swinging free in a noose and dancing on air
I wanted to sample each pain and each pang
but I'd no wish to die so I took a great care.
I needed to know how long it would take
till my senses had left me and consciousness ceased
but I had to be certain that I would awake
that I'd fall to the floor when the rope was released.
I made up a noose that I knew would not slip
I checked that the rope would hold firm but run free
the instant I fainted or loosened my grip
I checked it not one time not two times but three.
I sat and I stared at the noose as it hung
trying to summon the courage to act
knowing that once from that ladder I'd swung
'twere too late to retreat..too late to pull back.
I must have stayed sitting for more than an hour
before I determined that now was the time
my heart beating fast and my mouth tasting sour
as up that dread ladder I started to climb.
Trembling and shaking I stepped off the side
with my neck in the noose there I swung to and fro
if the rope wouldn't loosen I'd hang till I died
The rope in my hand I refused to let go.
As to what happened next..well I only recall
I felt the noose strangling and then knew no more.

With cut head and bruised knees I'd gained from the fall
I came to my senses curled up on the floor.
The rope had come free in the way that I'd planned.
I'd hanged as I wanted and suffered no pain.
The noose I unfastened with trembling hands
lest I be too tempted to try it again.
But that was some years back and I wonder still
whether I dare step off from that ladder once more
recreating that huge and  ineffable thrill
when I hanged by the neck until I knew no more.